


Mir Abel'dir (My Troubled Heart)

by owljustsitinthecorner



Series: Var Aravas (Our Journeys) [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22359001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owljustsitinthecorner/pseuds/owljustsitinthecorner
Summary: "You think you might lose him if this goes any further and you tried so hard to let him and Dorian have their thing. Inquisitorial duties hardly leave room for you to give them both all the love they deserve. Right now the way you feel cannot be contained because if you don't speak you and Dorian both might lose him. You could never live with yourself if inaction on your part cost Dorian or Bull their happiness."A retelling of the scene on the ramparts with my Inquisitor Khilas'halani, son of the Hero of Fereldan, and self-sacrificial dumbass.
Relationships: Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor/Iron Bull, Male Inquisitor/Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus
Series: Var Aravas (Our Journeys) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1609498
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	Mir Abel'dir (My Troubled Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a preview into my Fix-it Fic Epic that I am writing! I am writing my first ever multi-chapter fics, one for each game with all of my fixes and personal headcanons because bioware is cowards. I have two more parts to write for the first chapter before I can post it, but i was inspired to write this and really wanted to share it. All you need to know is:  
> for part if his life Khilas'halani was raised by his father Warden Commander Mahariel (though his conception was before the events of Origins, and my Mahariel is 29 at the start of Origins). "Uncle Sten" refers to the Sten we all know and love.  
> AND  
> Khila is convinced that because of who he is, and who he has to be, that dorain and bull are better off with out him, so even though he flirts and cant help but fall in love with them, he refuses to take his relationship further with them.
> 
> i'd like to thank punktommymaximoff (himbohawkes on tumblr) for reading through my fics and fixing my mistakes, this poor lad gets to deal with these fics right after i've written them in my state of Sleep Deprived Inspiration.

You remember the first time he called himself  _ "The _ Iron Bull" how he stated his status as a weapon honed by The Qun as something badass. How he implied this was a good thing. It made you think back on uncle Sten, who hasn't heard from The Qun in years, who hasn't been given orders from them in so long. How he tenses each time he hears something like qunlat. Waiting for those obligatory assassins to tell him he is Tal-Vashoth. How that blow never came, and he accepted that he was not important to The Qun. A weapon lost, and never missed among many others.

Bull's story is different. He has seen men break and go mad, thought he was headed there once himself. Thinks of himself in terms of "weapon" and "tool" because it meant he did not have to worry as much. A broken tool is fixed till it can't be fixed anymore, and then it is tossed. The thought sickens you. Bull's compassion and empathy being wiped away by The Qun. Being turned into a mindless labourer.

Right now you think he wants that. As he stares at you on these ramparts after dispatching the assassins on his own.

You see how afraid he is under the false confidence that rivals Dorian's bravado in believability.

You know them both too well for that to work. Have watched them closely too often for that to work.

To hear him talk about himself now, they way he says "Tal-Va-fucking-shoth" scares you. You think you might lose him if this goes any further and you tried so hard to let him and Dorian have their thing. Inquisitorial duties hardly leave room for you to give them both all the love they deserve. Right now the way you feel cannot be contained because if you don't speak you and Dorian both might lose him. You could never live with yourself if inaction on your part cost Dorian or Bull their happiness.

"Excuse the entirely intentional pun, Bull, but that's absolute  _ bullshit _ . You are a  _ good _ man. The Qun crafted a weapon from your sharp mind and kind heart, gave you a purpose, and told you that you were a  _ tool _ to be  _ used _ . Do you not realize that you are so much  _ more _ than that? You are a  _ person _ , you have  _ emotions _ . Thoughts.  _ Needs _ .  **_I see you_ ** . You are so much more than what unkind hands shaped you into, your spirit is so much  _ stronger _ than the blows against it. That you still feel pain and loss and hurt does not mean you are broken, it means you  _ were not _ broken by their actions. Your  _ heart _ , your capacity for  _ empathy _ and  _ sympathy _ and  **_compassion_ ** show I strength I have not seen in many others. You are  _ not _ a  _ thing _ to me Iron Bull and I  _ refuse _ to treat you as such. I know you think you lost a purpose today, but is what we do here not also a purpose? I understand it's not the same, and I don't want it to be. But can this purpose not serve just as well?"

The deep shaky breath you take hardly stops the tears on your cheeks from sliding down to drip from your chin.

"You've been avoiding me since the Coast, Bull, and I didn't know what to think. You mean more to me than I think you realize and I'm worried that what happened on these cliffs will take you away from the Inquisition. Away from Dorian. Away from  _ me. _ " The way you sniffle is definitely bordering on pathetic.

"Boss-"

" _ Shut up _ I'm not done talking."

"Right sorry."

"For weeks I've felt like I'm losing you, and then I saw you when you had to look me in the eye. And you had this look of guilt. I don't regret what happened on the coast Bull. And you shouldn't either." He opens his mouth to speak again and you glare at him till he shuts his mouth with an audible snap. "You are just as good at reading people as I am. You should know that my choice to let  _ you _ choose what to do on the coast is  _ not _ because it was a hard decision for  _ me _ but because it was too easy for  _ you _ . The chargers are  _ your family _ . They mean too much to you for me to let them die. I also fucking hate The Qun. But saving the chargers would have severed you from The Qun. It is not a decision  **_I_ ** can make for  _ you _ , Bull. It makes me feel like I'm taking on the role of a shem with a fucking savior complex."

You take another deep breath, not that it does any good for the anger you're feeling.

"Boss-"

" _ Still not done talking. _ " You hiss out, striding forward and grabbing him by the harness strap and yanking him down to eye level, only to grab his horns to keep him there.

"You are a good man, Iron Bull, and damn The Qun if they cannot see that for the valuable thing that it is." Your voice hardens even more "And I do not care what reaction you have to this emotional breakdown I seem to be having, you break Dorian's heart by leaving I will snap your neck myself." You pant slightly as the anger settles a bit, having him this close, your voice softening to the point of nearly breaking as you continue "I just want you both to be happy, and you are both so good to each other. For each other."

"Boss…"

"I'm done." You state, letting go of his horns, feeling the slightest bit defeated. "For now at least."

You turn away, and now  _ you _ feel guilty. After all you just as good as told one of the men you love that you are in love with him, him and the man he's with. You thought seeing them happy together would be enough to pull you through, but there's still that selfish little child inside. The broken da'len who wants to love and be loved in return. But the  _ Inquisitor  _ doesn't have the time. Isn't allowed the time. And you might have just turned a still developing relationship into a tense mess.

You get as far as the guard post door before Bull finds his voice, "Boss, whatever I miss, whatever I regret,  _ this  _ is where I want to be."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments fill me with life and joy and also mean that I will have more motivation to write these things!  
> even if you just scream, or want to ask questions about my fix it fic plans!
> 
> I COMMISSIONED ART FOR THIS!!!!  
> https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2fKH_dh8yOcamVNa0tWNVZJblpucmJwZ2pBQjJBSmo3Sk8w/view?usp=sharing
> 
> art by trans-rictor on tumblr! (art blog is thteeth)


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